I’m not going to revel in my sadness, yelling “woe is me” at the top of my lungs. And let me tell you, I can get pretty loud. But when did it get to the point that we are supposed to hide our sadness? To put on a happy face and go on with our daily lives, ignoring a huge part of ourselves. I’ve done that for too long. And the cost has been a part of me.

Earlier this year when discussing heartache, someone asked me if a guy had broken my heart. My response was, “No, I’ve never been in love, but I have a broken heart all the same.” Pain has many sources, but no matter what the cause, the end result is still hurt.

While there are many things about my life I would love to change, most of my suffering relates to the people around me. I would die for these individuals, yet I can’t do much to help them as they encounter difficult times.

The reality of a broken heart is that something is broken. Sometimes like Humpty Dumpty, not to be put back to together. I don’t know about you, but too often I’ve listened to the tinkle as those fragile pieces of my heart shatter and fall to the ground.

But I’m not going to leave those broken pieces on the ground for everyone to trample. I will painstakingly fit each damaged sliver together to create something lovely out of a pile of trash. Something fresh out of the past. A mosaic of all my past hurts and suffering, either my own or for the ones I love.

As I pick up each chunk of broken heart to form it into something new, I am allowing myself to admit how deeply the break hurt. To allow myself to morn what was and what will never be. And that is when the pieces begin to mold together into a beautiful pattern of wholeness.

In her quirkiness, she often did things that put her in unique circumstances. Like the time she hounded the Brothers Peterson (Andrew and Pete) until they allowed her to help them with their inaugural Hutchmoot conference in Nashville. Or when she signed up for a songwriting lesson from Ricky Jackson of The Daylights, ignoring the fact that she had no songwriting experience or that she lived on the East Coast and he the West.

When it came to events outside of her daily life, she was bold. She was fearless. She was free. But her everyday life, that was a different story.

While she had big plans and intentions, something kept holding her back. That something is the dream for so many people, yet had become the dasher of hers. Her house.

Her house, while loved, felt too much like Goldilocks trying out Papa Bear’s chair. Too big. Too expensive. Too hard for one person to maintain. Just too, too much of everything. Instead of being a place of shelter, it had become a trap. And feeling trapped made the quirky redhead feel less quirky. Less like herself. More like someone without options.

For too long, the girl had talked of getting out. Of finding a new story. But while uncomfortable, her current surroundings are known. Not quite as scary as the large unknown out there.

There are so many other things she would love to do: start a support organization for musicians, plan other events/conferences, travel more. But before she could enbark on any of those adventures, the house must go.

What will the quirky redhead do? Will her talk turn to action? Will she allow fear of the unknown to hold her back from being even quirkier than she could image? Or will she eventually find her way to a story that feels just right? Tune in below to get a special sneak peak of her plan.

The quirky redhead’s plan of attack:

• Enlist 3 friends for accountability. Email regular status updates.
• Clean out. Get rid of excess items in the house. Move them out of the house – give to thrift store, have a yard sale, give them away. Do not keep items in the house longer than 1 month.
• Repair any items that need it (the flashing on the roof, ceiling in bedroom, wall in kitchen, etc)
• Paint the living room a neutral color
• Talk to Realtor…get sign in yard by October 15.
• Keep posting updates on the blog for additional accountability
• After selling the house, move on to more exciting stories

I won a copy of Don Miller’s A Million Miles in a Thousand Years from Michael Hyatt, president of Thomas Nelson. It came in the mail on a Saturday. I started reading and couldn’t stop. As I read about making the story of our life better, I felt challenged. It gave me the impetus to do several of the things I mentioned above.

 

Don is holding a Story Conference in Portland, OR next month. I would love to go in order to gain practical information on how to make my story better and to know the next steps in the process. It’s sort of like in Auntie Mame when Agnes Gouch says, “I lived…now I have to find out what I’ve gotta do next!”.

 

He is holding a contest to win a trip for 2 to the conference. This is my entry. I’ve written about selling my house trying to win, but ultimately it is something that I need to do for me. And that is way more important than winning a contest. But then again, winning would be pretty nice too!

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

When I bought my house 5 years ago, the previous owners left some things. Random stuff: an antique wood burning stove, some furniture, their cat, pictures of their grandchildren, and a decorative blue fused glass ball hanging from the kitchen ceiling. 

I traded some of the furniture for things I liked better. The photos have been filed very carefully. In a round metal filing receptacle. You know the kind. The ones that are handled once a week when the “filing” men come to take away your precious stuff. If you want to see the cat, I can show you where I buried her. It isn’t that I have a death wish for animals, but for some reason they don’t live long around my house. (Case in point, my fishy tale from about a year ago) But the wood burning stove and the glass ball have remained in the kitchen. I like both of them. They make me smile.

Well, that pretty glass sphere…it’s no longer here. I don’t know what occurred in the 7 hours I was gone. Whether something outside caused the ground to shake or it was just a result of the law of gravity, whatever it was caused some damage.

My younger sister recommended making a mosaic out of the broken pieces. But it wasn’t just broken, it was shattered. Mosaics are a little hard to make when you only have a pile of blue glass dust.

So now now my blue glass ball is gone, and I have a round scar on my hardwood floors from the impact and little pieces of glass that I keep finding days after the incident. All I’m left with is the Home Comfort stove in the kitchen. The previous owners said that it had been in their family for a long time. Given how difficult it would have been to move, they left it. They also said that it originally took 5 men to move it in. Seeing how I don’t even have one fellow, I figure I’m pretty safe here…my wood burning stove isn’t going anywhere.

I sat beside Jamie Peterson, Andrew’s wife, at the Counting Stars concert on Friday night. It was really neat to watch Skye snuggle in Jamie’s lap as Andrew explained that Jamie knew her purpose was to rear those three precious children. It wasn’t in a “she is my wife and this is what she has to do” kind of way but rather a sweet understanding that she designed to fulfill that role. At my very core, I was made to take care of people. Unlike Jamie, I don’t have a row of little ducklings waddling behind me. So I have to find other ways to fulfill that need.

This year, God keeps asking me to just be who He made me to be and to trust that He will take care of the rest. Not always an easy task. As one of the Hutchmoot attendees referenced, I often feel like Gonzo in a world full of non-Gonzos. But this past weekend, I didn’t feel like an outsider. I slipped right in and found my place. My place – that felt good.

I realized Friday night after supper that the whole event was truly going to work. After everyone ate, they stayed. Nobody got up to leave. They just sat and talked. It was the embodiment of community. Somehow online relationships had translated into a real living, breathing thing. And I got to be a part of that.

A few moments that stick in my memory:

• Laughing as the sweet potatoes were washed in the dish washer. I work for a sweet potato company, but I have to say that this was a 1st for me.
• Watching Matt Conner curtsy whenever he passed me. Apparently, my accent demands actions like that.
• Receiving a text that someone from home was listening to Behold the Lamb and praying for us…right about the time that I was feeling so badly that I didn’t know if I could keep going. God graciously answered prayer and gave me a 2nd wind that had me sailing through the rest of the weekend.
• Having a blast in the kitchen with Evie, Whit, Lindi & Jamie even though it was hard work.

As Levar Burton used to say on Reading Rainbow, “Well, don’t just take my word for it…” S.D. Smith put together a list of Hutchmoot blog posts, so check it out if you want to see what everyone else thought.

As I filtered through my Hutchmoot memories today, I saw a mental picture of the 10th annual Hutchmoot. Trust me, it is coming! And how often do you get a chance to be in on something from the beginning?

I have a brand new nephew. His name is Wyatt. But with a name like that, I think of him as “The Cowboy”.

It’s pretty weird when your baby sister has a baby. But since that results in a new nephew for me, I’ll learn to deal with it.

Here he is…Wyatt.

p.s. Just so you know - I’m his favorite aunt. He whispered that in my ear the last time I saw him. And he looks pretty honest to me, so I have to believe him.

At the beginning of this year, I wrote a “Task of Twelve” list (see post here). Since the year is more than half over, here is a little update on some of the items on my task list:

Task of Twelve for 2010 

1. Have article accepted to a magazine or website. (I guess along with this, I should also put – Write an article that is longer than 500 words) UPDATE: Check, check! The North Carolina Association of CPAs published an article in the summer Interim Report magazine & World Vision magazine published a short article in the autumn edition.
2. Get paid for writing an article
3. Write a book (My Lousy Love Life – tentative book plan, I have PLENTY of material)
4. Go on a date with a guy in whom I am actually interested (so this is sort of a personal goal, but I think I will start looking at it as a task…maybe that will help me accomplish it)
5. Increase blog readership to 150 a day
6. Sell my house  UPDATE: Not so great. As my brother says, “It is a little hard to sell it without a for sale sign in your yard!”.
7. Go to a writers conference  UPDATE: Check, check!I am currently at Hutchmoot 2010, the 1st annual Rabbit Room conference/gathering/event. It isn’t strictly a “writers conference” but its close enough to mark this off my list.
8. Learn how to use the different features on my camera  UPDATE: a small little check mark.The camera that I was talking about died in the middle of January. I can’t believe it, but I actually upgraded to a DSL camera, a Canon Rebel. I said I never would, that I would always stick with a point and shoot. But having made the switch, I love it! Have learned sooooo much about the camera but still have a lot to go.
9. Help with the Rabbit Room conference/retreat (hoping that if I bug them enough, they will let me help. And if any of them read this – seriously, I am really good at organizing/details/project stuff like that)  UPDATE: Shocker of shockers, check!As I said, I am currently at the Hutchmoot…helping! I even have a title. And it isn’t one that I gave myself, which I am famous for doing. Pete Peterson said that I am the Overlord of the Volunteers. I think that basically means official helper. My role will probably end up more along the lines of Jack-of-all-trades.
10. Start and finish 5 craft projects  UPDATE: partially checked off. I need to think about this one a little more, but I know of 2 projects that I have made.
11. Use my sewing machine  UPDATE: well, I tried to make something for my niece’s birthday, but my machine is not working properly. Need to take it in to be serviced. Hey, what is it with my camera AND my sewing machine revolting in 2010?
12. Read more non-fiction books (I have the fiction part down pat)  UPDATE: in progress. Need to refocus on this.

So you can see that I have made some progress. But with only a few months left in 2010, I need to get to work!

How about you…any task lists, resolutions? Do you know where your list is? If not, finding it can be the first thing on the agenda.

Here is their version of the article if you want to read it.

Why I Love Being a Child Sponsor

By Kate Hinson (I think this is the best line)

The only thing I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. I wanted four children. Every year, I feel a part of that dream die. Here I am at 34, no husband or children in sight.

But recently, I went to a Jason Gray concert. As Jason started a speech about sponsoring children, I listened politely without hearing him. I already sponsor two boys. Then a voice in my head asked, “But don’t you want four children?” Later, Jason pulled out the verse that shattered me. “Whatever you did for the least of these…you did for me.” It brought to mind an internal struggle, weeks earlier, about whether I should help a hungry woman. Sad to say, I drove away.

This time I had to act. I have added 3-year-old Vanesa from Peru to my family. I will probably never hold her or rock her to sleep. But I know that I am providing a better life for her. Somewhere out there, I know there is a fourth child waiting for me. Sometimes all it takes is looking at things with different eyes.

Note to self addendum:  Just don’t ever have a flat tire. It will make your life so much easier. Then you won’t have to worry about anything ever again. Except maybe cavities…from the brownies you would have been able to make with the non-melted chocolate.

* maybe not as hypothetical as I would like.

My plans aren’t grand. Just a trip to the grocery store, a little baking, and maybe some reading or TV. Simple things. But often the unpretentious, daily things are the ones that we miss out on in the busyness of life. So tonight, I am going to enjoy just being home. Because who knows when that will happen again.

No matter which of those definitions you pick, I’m not good at any of them.

Often if I do relax, it is because something or someone forced me to. Forced to relax? That doesn’t sound pleasant. Actually that doesn’t put me in a very good light either. I mean, what kind of person can’t relax? Uhhmm, a person like me.  

You know how life lessons usually deal with our weak areas? Yeah well, I got a lesson in relaxing this week.

I woke up Wednesday morning hurting. We are talking pain. The muscles in my shoulder and around my shoulder blade were burning. It hurt to move. Now it’s Friday. I’m better than I was, but pain is still my constant friend.

I’ve spent plenty of time lying down in the last few days…on the floor, on the couch, in the recliner, in the bed. Being as still as possible, trying to find relief. As I did, I thought about the verse that says “Be still and know that I am God.” It was more than a drive by in my mind. I meditated on it. Analyzed it. Tried to really grasp it.

When in the Dominican Republic, we were reminded many times that it is more important in their culture to BE than to DO. Now, those were some hard working people. But they knew that doing, staying busy shouldn’t consume us.

It was easier to remember to be while on my mission trip. We were there to be a part of their lifestyle and culture. It made sense to spend time to just be. Now that I am back in the US, it isn’t as easy to live out.

So as I struggled to be still this week, I wondered…how often have I missed the being while I was devoted to doing?  

The last few days have been tough. But come to think of it, I guess I did learn to relax. The abrupt removal of an influence (a functioning shoulder/back) caused me to attain equilibrium (finding a balance between being and doing). Not a bad lesson to get out of a hard week.