Hope
Today, I am not funny. My humor tends to be directly proportional to my emotions. Someone must have performed funny bone removal surgery on me during the night. They put me way under because I don’t remember a thing. But just like the soreness you feel after surgery reminds you of the procedure, I am feeling the afteraffects.
As cliche as it sounds, I am fighting back tears. Oh, I don’t always fight them, but I am still at the office and hate to cry in public. I have cried more in the last year than ever before in my life. My eyes just drip, drip, drip all the time just like the rain pouring down my window right now. The tears signify lots of things. Being overwhelmed, feeling lost, anger at other’s actions, frustration at the feeling of moving in circles or not moving at all.
Hopeless. That is what it boils down to. I know it isn’t, but it sure feels that way many days. Pretty much everything in my life is hard right now.
I didn’t write this to have people worry about me. I guess it is more to be honest with myself. I have always related to Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, ”I am very self-reliant, you know.” These days I feel more like the Sanctus Real song, “I’m not alright. I’m broken inside, broken inside.” Some days I feel like a broken record stuck on these lines.
But the reason why is in the next line of the song, “and all I go through, it leads me to you.” I think God is chipping away at my pride. Oh yes, pride is my close friend. I keep it near as it whispers to me. But given everything going on, its voice is getting much harder to hear.
Someone reminded me last weekend that God is Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals. Or quite literally, the Lord who makes bitter things sweet. That is the answer to the hopelessness. The fact that this bitter taste in my mouth will one day be made sweet. It doesn’t make the waiting easier. But it gives me reason to hope.
I bought this Christmas ornament on sale after the holidays. I keep it on my desk to help remind me about hope. Some days it works better than others. But even on the dark days, it sits there unchanging, always hoping.
In case you are not alright either, here are the words to the entire Sanctus Real song.
I’m Not Alright by Sanctus Real
If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confessI’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to youBurn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strongI’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to youAnd I move, and I move, and I move…closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move…closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move…closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move…I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to youI’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright…that’s why I need you
I just hate that feeling, the one that starts in the pit of your stomach. Or even further. When it feels like the sinking feeling is starting in your bones, in your soul. The hardest part of being in the place is feeling like you’ll never, ever get out. But look at you, that glimmer of hope, however distant, well its shining just the same. That ornament may not always work but the fact that you put it out there, the fact that for a moment you thought there might be hope, well that means you are moving. If you keep on moving those baby steps forward then I am sure you’ll move out of these days of tears.
It was a good post, sometimes letting the pain thru helps the funny come back.
You can always email me if you want to chat, you know.
I think it’s awesome that you titled the post “Hope”…and not “Hopeless”. I think that’s a hopeful sign (no pun intended). And I’m glad you’re no longer waiting for “funny” before writing. Love your honesty. Love you.
I know that whatever has made you sad will pass. The sweetness of hope will come. You are strong, funny, witty, generous, and beautiful kindness itself from what little I know of you all ready. You have my arms around you in a hug today. You are cared for. It is okay to cry and our pride knows that. So give yourself the weekend to let it all out. All will right itself in due time.
xoxo
hope in the midst of it all you have some down to earth friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOqyygAQSX0
I know how you feel right now, same with me i had those tearful days and you just can’t stop it. The feeling is so hard that emotions are so painful and you just don’t feel or can’t find yourself being funny anymore. But one thing for sure there is hope, and if you just let go of that emotions it will be much easier to be funny or laugh again. I guess that’s the way it is and that’s what Jesus wants us to be. To be hopeful and always trusts in him.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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lots of them
Not really sure how I got to your blog today. But I know the feeling you’re talking about. I’m sending you a link to something I wrote on my blog. If you get a chance, read it. I hope it helps a tiny bit. http://jennymatlock.blogspot.com/2009/12/best-friends.html
Just read this entry now and although a few weeks have elapsed since you post it, I would like to leave a comment nonetheless. Thank you for sharing this “not so funny day” and for reminding me (us) what HOPE is all about. Your words brought other words to my mind…
“… in order that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we may have strong encouragement, we who have fled for refuge in laying hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us, having become a high priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek.” (Hebrews 6:18-20)